what are you doing

  

a decision is necessarily a
destruction of alternatives i don't say
anything i'm listening but i'm trying
to be here trying so hard to feel like
the rest of them my eyes closed
drinking in the darkness like
medicine i can make anything into a
ladder i cannot climb not its your
turn off on what really is its
different you say i don't respond
because it is i am different i am
making a decision the difference is
the woman next door she is the
decision she doesn't know any of
this i don't know who it is walking
by i shouldn't know i am staring at
the ground where has the sky gone
to now you don't say anything she
is a constellation all the stars in her
have burned out but she won't
know for years you are running
somewhere maybe never you don't
move i'm sorry i thought you were
someone i knew sitting in someone's
kitchen melting ice in my hand you
draw faces on the table the ice is
melting your fingers pull the water
around her eyes drag her hair from
a puddle is that her i ask you are
alone your fingers in her hair she is
evaporating i want to apologize but
she is gone you refill the ice tray
leave it by the sink i need to leave
to go see her i say we have more
ice they say but my fingers are
numb i have melted the woman next
door the table is gone the tray is
back in the freezer as i leave
someone saying next time there will
be more they say next time