in case i needed to explain this

in your last year
that we did not know would be your last
only knowing that you were officially old
we would set aside a day every month or so
and that day was simply for you
it was a day of giving you
whatever it was you wanted

those days were filled with dentabone treats
the pack taking long walks outside
shorter and shorter sessions of fetch in the backyard
letting you outside as many times as you wanted
and sitting on the back porch
watching you take your nose on tour
around the perimeter of our yard
and on the colder days
hours of napping on the couch
nestled between melissa's legs
and covered by her pink snuggie
as she studied

after your seizures started
and the cancer diagnosis was confirmed
every day became one of those days
every sunday morning we put
boneless skinless chicken breasts
into the crockpot along with
whatever vegetables we thought
we could trick you into eating

and melissa
who you had taken such good care of
never straying from her side
over the many months of her sicknesses
returned your favors so elegantly
packaging you on the couch
with a turquiose colored pillow
under your chin
and a blanket draped just so
across your body
always knowing
if you wanted your head covered or not

as your coordination faded further
and after you fell off the couch
and onto your back without a sound of complaint
you were wary of the altitude
keeping instead to your bed on the floor
and melissa would get up to rearrange your bed
and re-blanketize you
more times than anyone could imagine

in the last few weeks
these days of giving you
whatever it was you wanted
became harder and harder for her to take
and not because she saw so clearly
the increasing slope of your decline
not because you would get up from your bed
every five minutes
dig at the covers
look at her and whine
not because she had to get up
and help you get settled again

not because you needed so much

what tore at her the hardest
was simply that she couldn't figure out
what it was you wanted

what hurt her the most
was not being able to help you.