sitting next to you in church today

for melissa

I felt the vibration of truth from something that was said
And it wasn’t the truth that caught me off guard
It wasn’t the truth that was important
At that moment
What was important
Was that I felt what direction the vibration came from

When I was younger I explained away this tingling
As a ghost passing through my body at that moment
But that wasn’t it, really
It was about why a ghost was passing through me at that moment
It was about what that ghost was saying to me
And what I had done to set it all in motion

Later I understood it as the truth
The realization of something that was
Something simply was so perfectly true
That it set off these windchimes in my body
And in creative writing class when someone wrote something
That was a breeze enough to set them off
I told her it was the same feeling you get
When you bite a spoon
That metallic touch sets something off in your skin
And it flows through your body so quickly
But you can’t stop it
And you can’t help but feel it and give it your attention

That’s how it was in church this morning
How it made me focus
Because I don’t remember what the minister was saying
I don’t remember which verse he had displayed on the screen
I know it was after the juggling
And I know it was before he sat on the bed
And talked about ultimate fighting

But all I remember about that moment was that I understood
Physically for the first time
That the vibrations I felt came from a specific place
Because each wave that passed through me as I sat there
Each wave that I held onto and savored before I let it pass through
Each one came from my right side
It came clearly from where your body touched mine
It wasn’t simply you being in my life
It wasn’t everything being so perfect that let me feel these things
It was you
Purely and simply you

And I thought about the day at work
When I was playing with my ring
Taking it off and putting it back on
And feeling that vibration every time it touched my skin
How I lost it when I took it off
And got it back when I slid it back over my knuckle

And I thought about how I remember you
And how I remember us when my ring knocks up against something hard
How it sounded on the metal railing at the baseball game
How it sounded against the wrench when I was working on my motorcycle
How it always sounds different
How it always reminds me of the same thing

And sitting there in church
Thinking about those sounds
The different tones and vibrations that move through my body
Since you are in my life
And that I am in church
And maybe that is why my thoughts turned back to god
And how he is so different to everyone
And shows himself in ways only we can understand
But only when we seek him out
How he wants us to look for him

And I know then that these vibrations
Have been trying to signal me to something
So much larger than myself
For such a long time
Something so much larger than ghosts
So much larger than metal spoons
In so many ways
Like when I open the door for our dog to go into the backyard
And get busy making a cup of coffee or doing the dishes
And forget that he is outside
And he stands at the back door for minutes on end
With his nose pressed against the seam
Where the door meets the doorframe
And he could open it if he pushed
But he doesn’t
He waits until something tells him I have forgotten
Then he whines
And how long and how loudly he whines I am not sure
I only hear the last one
The one that reminds me he is there
The one that reminds me I have forgotten him
And it is that something that changes in the volume
Or the pitch
Or the timing
That wakes me back into his life

It was that same change today
Sitting next to you in church
That woke me back up
That finally clicked and made me turn around
And see what had been waiting for me
Like realizing you had to let your dog inside
And at the same time realizing
You didn’t have a dog
But there he was
At the back door
Whining a bit
Softly
Maybe gently scratching at the door
Eyes intent at the thin line of light
Where the kitchen leaks out into the yard.