Room 17475

you press the nurse call button
the button just above the tv channel up button
on the keypad
attached to the cord
hanging over the right side of your bed
and when the red light comes on the console
and the nurse’s voice comes over the speaker
you ask for your nurse
you ask for a tech
you ask for the doctor on call
you ask for another plastic tub to vomit into
you ask for mouthwash
you ask for more gauze to cover your incisions
you ask for them to come stop the beeping of the iv machine
when the line is occluded
when air is detected in the line
when the bolus needs to be changed
you ask for medicine for your nausea
for your pain
for your diarrhea
for the pressure in your gut
you ask for water
you ask for gatorade
you ask for juice
you ask for them to disconnect you from all the tubes
so you can change clothes
and to reconnect you when you are done
you ask for someone to listen to you
you ask why you look 6 months pregnant
you ask for new hats for the toilet
you ask for toothpaste
you ask for new blankets
for new washcloths
and a tub of icewater to cool your face
you ask for ice chips
for new towels
for maxi pads
for new bed pads
for new underwear
you ask to stop falling asleep while you are talking
your head slumping down every 10 seconds
and rising again after 5 to pick up where you left off
you ask for a shower
for chapstick
for lotion
you ask for something to calm your burning skin
you ask them to empty your ng tube tank
so the bile doesn’t spill over onto the floor

and when you finally fade off
into narcotic sleep
the keypad falls
from your hot little hand
and i reach over
and pick it up
and press the nurse call button
and i ask for the scars on your belly to stop weeping
i ask for medicine
that will stop you from seeing people in the room
who aren’t really there
i ask for them to stop your brain from spinning so hard inside your head
i ask for them to take away those scared saucer eyes of yours
when you wake up every 15 minutes and look around the room
and i have to explain everything again
asking you to remember the same details one more time
i ask for them to stop sending 5 different people into the room
in one night to try unsuccessfully to start a new iv
because your veins are collapsing
i ask for them to stop with the ct scans
the enemas, the palpations and the x-rays
i ask them to untangle your intestines
i ask for them to stop pulling at your superglue sutures
i ask them to fix the hard little veins in your forearms
i ask them for atavan
for both of us
i ask them to find the 20 pounds you lost
and the muscular curves of your thighs
i ask them to stop you from thinking i am plotting against you
i ask them to take the iv out of your neck
take off the blood pressure cuff
and the fingertip temperature sensor
i ask them to remove the pic line and the catheter
and while they are taking things out
i ask them to remove from my memory
the rank dark green rotten murky smell of your e. coli infection
i ask them to make me forget the beep of the pca pump
refusing to give you another dose of dilaudid
because you asked for it too soon
again

and then the red light comes on
on the console over your bed
and the nurse’s voice breaks through
asking what i need

and i realize she hasn’t heard anything i said

so then i ask for a second honeymoon
a secluded cabana on the edge of the beach
under palm trees
i ask for a pair of lounge chairs
just outside our door facing the ocean
the front legs of the chairs
at the furthest reaches of the longest waves
i ask for you, brazen, in your red bikini
reclining in the sun with your eyes closed
your toenails freshly painted
and your head slightly tilted towards me
i ask for your sandals and a bright yellow towel
in a pile on the sand by your left side
i ask for a barely read book split open on top of the towel
with a trace of sunblock smudged across its glossy cover
i ask for a fruity tropical drink in your right hand
i ask for palm leaves and a breeze
to scatter the sunlight
reflecting it through the facets of your glass
so it dances lightly across the scars on your stomach
i ask for the smallest hint of a smile moving across your face
arriving and receding with the waves

the nurse’s voice comes back over the speaker
asking
exactly what kind of fruity tropical drink do you want

and i tell her
any flavor will do

that part
is just really not that important
right now
any flavor will do.

toast to steve and adrienne

how brave it is of you,
steve and adrienne, to stand here before us today and state openly
and boldly
and proudly
that you belong together

how brave it is of you to make that statement
after all you have been through together,
because of all you have been through together.

because you have known each other already
through so many ups and downs,
pain and heartbreak,
joy and sorrow.

because you have come to know each other and yourselves through years
made up of moments, minutes, hours, and days of certainty,
because you have come to know each other and yourselves through years
made up of moments of doubt

because those times of doubt that seemed so long and so confusing were the most necessary test of your relationship
those times of doubt were the millions of small assignments that you gave yourselves
because you wanted to be as sure as possible
that you belong together

you took so many steps forwards and backwards,
so many slides to the side
so many twists and turns

and now you have reached this point
together
here
today
in front of all of us

and you are brave enough to know in your hearts that nothing is ever 100%
you are brave enough to know we never get that luxury. . .
you are brave enough to know that 100% isn't really perfection

instead, you are brave enough to know that 99.99999% is the true perfection
you are brave enough together to know that last .000001%
that last tiny little infinitesimal sliver
that the world always leaves out of perfection
that is what is left for both of you to work on together
for the rest of your lives

that is why we are here
with our promises of love and support
and our own individual and unique
missing tiny little infinitesimal slivers of perfection
we are here to let you know you are never alone in your work

steve and adrienne
you are brave enough to know
that you know each other better than anyone else in the world knows you
that you know you belong together

that is brave
that is perfect
that is you, steve and adrienne costello
on this day
and for the rest of your lives

all the happiness in the world


(written with melissa)

time hasn't changed

time hasn’t changed
even half
of what it promised to

- “ohio airplane crash” by joe henry


we walk out to the garden
dirt still under my fingernails
from the weeding last week
and nothing that is coming up
among the clumps of dirt
is anything that we planted
last spring

all the time we spent
looking at seed packets
combining and collating colors
by row
in our minds
laying out the markers and tags
kneading the seeds into the earth
pulling the blankets of dirt
back over their bodies
you drifting over like a tender cloud
with your silver watering can
in july when the rest of the yard
was cracking in the heat

none of that made the difference
we thought it would

every morning
we wander out to the back yard
together or alone
and wonder at these amazing creatures
the lilting yellow petals
the tight lilac buds
the prickly sticky green stems
all of these random creatures
we must have disturbed
and roused and rattled and woken
with all of our digging

and maybe all that digging
is the only thing
that really matters

Whishnuddha

I created this image for Melissa to help protect her from nightmares when she was doing her genetic counseling internship in Denver over the summer. It has been my job to wake her from them, and with us apart, I figured she needed a protector.

Whishnuddha is the Supreme Being or Ultimate Reality for resting humans and a manifestation of Caninus in the traditions of Somnolence.

The Doghavad Gita describes Whishnuddha as the all-pervading essence of all resting beings, the master of and beyond the past, present and future, the creator and master of all dreamed existences, one who supports, sustains and governs the sleeping universe and originates and develops all elements within. In the Purinas, Whishnuddha is described as being the color of gold, six-armed and two-legged, holding a lotus, sword, conch, chakra, bread, and squeaky plush duck.

Whishnuddha iconography:
• His six arms and two legs indicate his all-powerful and all-pervasive nature.
• On his chest is the dogbhana charm, suspended on a golden chain, symbolizing his commitment to mortal humans as well as the location of his earthly form.
• He stands in his food bowl, from where the richest happiness of sustenance is created.
• His earring represents the infinite cycle of life and the endless universe of restive sleeping imagination.
• A pattern of tangled vines commonly shown in the background if images of Whishnudda symbolize the tangled essence of the human subconscious, while the symbol of Whishnuddha clearly in the foreground shows his dominance over the organic growth and confusion of dreams.

Whishnuddha holds the six attributes associated with him:
• A conch shell, held by the upper left paw, represents Whishnuddha's power to create and maintain the spiral cycles of sleep and dreams in the un-woken universe.
• The chakra, a sharp-spinning discus-like weapon, held by the upper right paw, symbolizes the rested, purified, and spiritualized mind.
• A sword, held by the lower left paw, symbolizes Whishnuddha's divine power over any evil forces present in the universe of dreams.
• A lotus flower, held by the lower right paw, represents spiritual liberation, Divine perfection, purity and the unfolding of Spiritual consciousness within the individual while they are at rest.
• A slice (or loaf) of bread, held by the most upper right paw, symbolizes the richness and fertility of the cupboard of human life.
• A plush squeaky duck, held by the most upper left paw, represents Whishnudda’s power to balance alertness and diligence with leisure, cuddling, and nattering.